Letting Go

I identify with Kate Winslet's character in the movie The Holiday so much more than I care to admit. Her monologue that runs over the opening credits sums it up pretty well.


;


Only I've been mired in this nonsense for far more than 3 years. For a long time, I thought this was a character flaw in me, a sign of something deep-seated and pathetic. But recently, a good friend sent me this article which explains what allows a fixation to endure for so long.

"You know, limerence can be unending," Tennov says. "I've interviewed subjects who've nursed a fixation on their limerence objects—LOs—for decades." What's the trick? "Their feelings were unrequited," she reports. "Their LOs gave them mixed signals, like ignoring them for months and then calling. Hope, confusion, and uncertainty kept it going. The phenomenon is defined, in part, by feeling a loss of control. The limerent person can't stop thinking about the LO: What did he mean by that? How can I interpret his tone of voice? How is he responding to me?


You can read the whole article here.

Anyway, some of my friends think my "LO" does this intermittent attention thing on purpose, somehow intuiting the effect it has on me and milking it for some benefit. (I don't understand what benefit it would give, but who knows?)

I like to think that we're genuinely good friends with a connection that has endured many changes in geography and life circumstances but for various reasons just aren't as regularly in touch as we once were.

But I've come to realize that whatever it is, this situation is really messing with my life in a lot of ways.

So I need to figure out how to let go - if not of the person all together, then at least of this cockamamie hope that someday we'll have some Keith and Watts moment.



Or Harry and Sally, or Holden and Alyssa, or Zack and Miri, or any number of other rom-com couples where one has been in love with the other all the time and the unwitting friend finally wakes up one day and the lightbulb goes off above their head and love was there all along!

I've come a long way, honestly. The rational part of my brain knows that us ever being a couple is a non-starter. But I haven't fully moved on. I didn't even realize it until my friend sent that article and then my subconscious started screaming at me through dreams about the "LO." 

So I think that as I work on improving my health and other aspects of my life, I need to start thinking about maybe, someday, dating again. But NOT "LO." Because that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

(Sometimes you have to yell to get your point across, you know...)

Facing up to things so you don't drown them in your drug of choice sure is fun!



Comments

  1. JuleseyApril 13, 2021 at 8:57 AM

    Oh, dear heart, I can SO relate! I fixated on my LO from the time I was in 7th grade until the day I had to sit there and watch him marry someone else. I still feel a stab of pain in my heart every once in a while for a love that was never returned, at least not the way I wanted it to be. I guess I’m telling you that to tell you this: you are NOT alone. That dull ache never quite goes away. I hope you eventually get to a place where you can, if not leave those feelings behind completely, at least leave them in a place where it doesn’t hurt nearly as much and you can move forward with your life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownApril 14, 2021 at 6:15 AM

    Beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Patricia MeierMay 12, 2021 at 6:57 PM

    Lovely. <3

    ReplyDelete

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