The Joy List

 One of the things I've gotten the most feedback on since I started this blog has been my "Joy List." I have to give credit for that idea to Your Coach Meg, a life coach I worked with when I first realized my health was starting to decline (again). I told her how I knew what I needed to do to turn things around but just didn't seem to care enough to do any of it. She gave me a homework assignment to make a list of all the things that bring me joy, and thus the list was born.

This was my first Joy List, created pre-Covid.

I had done something similar to this once before, only that was a list of things I'd do before giving in to a different unhealthy coping mechanism I was trying to stop. (I may be a hot mess now, but I used to be so much worse.) But there's a subtle yet extremely important distinction. The Joy List is a proactive measure, which if used as directed creates a life that you feel less compulsion to escape. The other list, which didn't have a name, was a last-ditch measure, something I actually signed a contract to follow so the mental health professional who gave me the assignment wouldn't push hospitalization. Or maybe it's not even a difference in the lists, just in how they're used. 

Another thing I have that helps me on hard days (like today, I'll admit) is inked right on my inner wrist. For a while I felt like it was mocking me, since I got it to celebrate a weight loss milestone which I completely undid when I went back to old habits. 

This little guy always makes me happy, even if I don't feel like I "deserve" him right now.

But now that I'm working on getting clean again, I"m trying to focus on the underlying meaning of this symbol for me. I participated in an intensive therapy program when I was in college, and when a person completed their time there, the therapists held a graduation ceremony. The therapist that person primarily worked with would give the person a small gift and explain why they chose that item.

When it was my time to graduate, my therapist gave me a small stuffed elephant. He said it was because, just like an elephant, I could remove any obstacle in my path and always find my way home.

I was struggling today, but I still had to work. So while I talked to people on the phone, I rubbed my thumb over that little elephant and thought about my ongoing quest to find my way back home. To myself.