That Bitch Wants to Kill Me. She Does.

On the surface, it may seem like I have next to nothing in common with this character from TheWire. We look nothing alike. She's describing life experiences that are a world away from anything I've lived through. Our ages are significantly different. But in many ways, I identify very strongly with what she's saying. 

I don't think most food addicts turn to such desperate measures to get money to feed our addiction. This doesn't make me any better than this character. It just so happens that heroin is illegal and therefore expensive, and in America, junk food is cheap and available pretty much everywhere, any time of the day or night.

But I 100% get what she's saying about her inner addict and how that bitch wants to kill her. Because I have one of those, too, and she definitely wants to kill me. It's recently come to my attention that certain people in my life are surprised she hasn't already finished the job. (This isn't helpful, by the way. Nor are attempts to criticize me into changing. Believe me, if that mess worked, I would have gotten skinny a LONG time ago.)

This is why I am so adamant that I have to not eat sugar. At all. I realize that a more ideal situation would be if I could learn to have dessert in moderation. But that doesn't work for me. I wish it did. 

I know that I eventually have got to start going to meetings if I'm going to maintain what I think of as my sobriety. That may not be the right term, but it's the one that makes sense to me. But something that's been helping me in the meantime is watching the TV show Mom. The primary focus of the show is alcoholism, but most of the characters deal with other addictions as well. Many of them have histories with drugs. Christy gambles. And after she gets off booze and cocaine, Jill finds herself addicted to food. She works with a life coach who doesn't believe in the 12 step approach to addiction, taking issue in particular with the first step - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." She tries to teach Jill how to make a batch of cookies, eat just one half of a cookie, then stop. It seems to work at first, which makes Jill think she should also try drinking in moderation. Spoiler alert: it doesn't go well. 

Jill: "Marjorie, half a cookie doesn't work." Marjorie: "Not for you, sweetie." 

Bonnie: "None of us are half a cookie people, even though I really want to be!"

I'm still racking up those days, one at a time. But this past week was especially hard. Thursday would have been my wedding anniversary, and that always does a number on my thinking, but this year it was so much harder since I wasn't stuffing all that mess down. But I'm doing what I need to do and talking to people who help and telling myself over and over again that it's worth it. That I'm worth it. And some day I hope I'll believe it.